The idea of willingness has found its way into the sex talk and I’m pretty happy about it. As someone who experiences responsive desire most of the time, I’ve found myself drawn to a spectrum of consent versus a strict yes or no. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the proclamatory yes of enthusiastic consent, but sometimes that yes is delayed for me. Whether it’s stress, my current mood, or a perceived pressure to ‘go all the way’ if I engage in affection of any kind, I typically need time to feel into how (and if) I want to engage in sex¹.
It’s common for people in long term relationships to experience responsive desire, after the flood of feel-good chemicals and new relationship energy wears off. And since these desire types experience arousal in response to pleasure, willingness is a key component in arriving to that pleasurable place. Responsive desire can mean that arousal or interest doesn’t surface until someone begins to engage in physical closeness with themselves or another person. So, in the space before the body experiences those sensations of arousal and interest, it’s important to check in with our level of curiosity and willingness. Are we willing to lean in to physical intimacy and see if our desire shows up?
It’s important, when talking about this, to differentiate willingness from coercion. This is not about manipulation. It’s about honoring your authentic curiosity (and adjusting when/if it rises or wanes) when engaging in sex with yourself or with a consenting, respectful partner. Consent should be revisited and can be revoked at any time, no matter who you’re with or how long you’ve been together. Below is a spectrum of consent by Kai Cheng Thom that I find helpful:
In Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, Mersy & Vencill present a willingness scale of 0 to 10. 0 means you “aren’t willing to try to create responsive desire” and 10 means that you “feel open to physical engagement of some kind to create responsive sexual desire.” They also talk about what it might mean to land somewhere in between those numbers:
“What happens, for example, if you rate your willingness at a 4 or 6 on the scale? It may be helpful for you to think about what your own personal willingness scale looks like. For one person, a 5 on the willingness scale might mean a willingness to get into bed and cuddle and then evaluate additional physical contact from there. For someone else, a 5 might mean that they are a definite ‘no’ for genital sexual contact, but a ‘yes’ for something else that is intimate—for example, spooning naked together.”
This scale isn’t fixed. It can change depending on the context. I know some of this lingo, or even the whole concept, might sound unsexy. But some people, relationships, contexts, or moments in life need structure in order to unbridle the sexy side of things². Those who have been, or are currently, in a long term relationship can probably attest to that. It’s not always a yes or no, black or white. Sometimes it’s about following your curiosity, leaning in, and then determining if it’s a yes or no, this or that, more or less.
If you’re feeling stuck in your sexual life, experiencing a desire discrepancy with your partner, or can’t shake a sense of pressure, I recommend the following:
Learn about the types of desire and what resonates for you, personally. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski or Desire by Lauren Fogel Mersy and Jennifer A. Vencill are great resources for this. You can also dig into my archives and read my desire series.
Reflect on how your own desire works and communicate with your partner(s) about it. What helps you feel open to being physically intimate? What are your turn ons and turn offs?
Think/communicate about your windows of willingness, as coined by Ian Kerner. Are there certain times of day when you feel more open to being intimate? Are there certain habits that contribute to you feeling more present, grounded, connected, and open to intimacy? Stress is a huge contributing factor to decreased desire because it deprioritizes sex. Continued stress management can help increase pleasure, desire, and connection with a partner (if that’s what you want).
Is your sex life pleasurable? Satisfactory? Enticing enough to come back to? If not, that could be a cue to find out what feels pleasurable to you and/or talk to your partner(s) about the ways to enhance your intimacy. Couples therapy might also be an appropriate option. It’s hard to feel desire for something that doesn’t bring you pleasure or satisfaction!
Lean on your support and resources. Join a pleasure-centered community (like sex ed book club) or find a space that allows you to talk and work through these things in a nonjudgmental space. Speaking with a sex therapist or sex educator is a great option because they have comprehensive knowledge around these topics and can create a map that helps you navigate these waters. Book a pleasure session with me to explore your own experience with desire + gain tools to manage stress and feel more connected to your pleasure.
¹ When I say sex, I mean anything from making out to penetration (and anything outside or in between).
² Some people don’t want to engage in sexy things, period, and that’s okay too. Asexuals folks, for example, experience little to no desire - or desire under certain conditions - which is perfectly healthy and normal. Low desire is not automatically something that needs attention or resolution - only if you desire to do something about it.
Upcoming Events
Our next meeting is Tuesday, Sept. 5th at 7pm est via Zoom (register here). We’re reading The Uses of the Erotic, a powerful essay by Audre Lorde. It’s short but dense with essential ideas. PDF can be found online here.
[Dirty Talk & Erotic Imagination Workshop]
I’m offering my Dirty Talk workshop again! This time through my school, which is very exciting. This live workshop will help you get in touch with your erotic imagination and offer tools + tips for dirty talk that feel more resonant and in line with your style. Find out more and register here.
[Passionate Partners Retreat with Ally Barnett]
My friend, and sex therapist, Ally Barnett is offering a couple’s retreat this October in Vermont!! A bit about the retreat:
“Over the course of the weekend, we will explore the topic of sexual health and learn how improving our sexual health can strengthen our relationships with our partner(s) and ourselves. Specifically, we will discuss the meaning and importance of pleasure, play, desire, and eroticism. We will learn how to get out of our heads by tuning into sensation. We will engage in fun and relaxing activities designed to connect you to both your partner and your body.”
Learn more about the retreat here and book a call with Ally to see if you and your partner are a good fit.
Thank you for reading this labor of love and supporting my work. Please share with a friend/loved one who wants to find out more about how pleasure lives and breathes in their body.