welcome to the desire series!
I’ve been wanting to do a desire series for a while because desire is so misunderstood, so multi-dimensional, and it drives what we do (or don’t do). To dig into - and honor - desire’s range, I’ll be releasing a 4-part series on this very subject. Paid subscribers will get bonus content around how to apply these concepts to their relationship(s). If you want tips on how to make the most of your desire and prioritize pleasure and intimacy in your life, be sure to upgrade your subscription.
Let’s start the series off by diving into what desire is as well as types of desire. By understanding the types of desire, we’ll inevitably see why desire itself is misunderstood. I’ll be drawing from the work of Emily Nagoski and her must read book Come As You Are.
Desire is often described as a drive but it’s really not. Desire is a curiosity.
Hunger is a drive. Sleep is a drive. Thirst is a drive. The need for warmth is a drive. A drive is something that helps us survive. Nagoski likens drive to a thermostat, kicking on when something hits below a critical point (i.e. the heat kicking on when the temperature drops beneath a certain degree). A drive is a feeling of being pushed by an uncomfortable internal experience, whereas an incentive is when we’re pulled by an attractive external stimulus. In some cases, both are happening at the same time (hunger, appetite) but sex is not a drive. Thinking of it as a drive can lead to uncomfortable or even dangerous scenarios (something thinking they need sex to survive can elicit manipulation or coercion).
So we don’t need it to survive but a lot of us have an appetite for it, however much or however often that is. One of the reasons why I think sexual desire is seen as a drive is because most of us have only been exposed to one type of desire…spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is desire that surfaces in anticipation of pleasure. It’s likened to a lightning bolt. It’s that surprising thunder down under you feel when you are in an explicitly erotic or sexual context. It’s that strong, sudden urge. Spontaneous desire is one normal, healthy way of experiencing desire. However, when it’s the only type we see (in the media, for example) then we come to believe that it’s the only way to experience it; that something is wrong with us because we don’t experience that out-of-nowhere turn on feeling.
Emily Nagoski writes, “And in part, this is the male-as-default myth at work again. Just like concordant arousal, spontaneous desire gets called ‘normal,’ while any other desire style gets called ‘abnormal,’ just because spontaneous desire is typical (though far from universal) in men.”
As with many things, men’s modes of being become prioritized and emphasized, which in this case, overshadows the other very important (and widely experienced) type of desire: responsive desire. This is the desire I want to spend time with because it has been cast aside but, when understood, can help us feel seen and validated in our desire and sexuality.
Responsive desire is desire that surfaces in response to pleasure. People who experience responsive desire might need more foreplay, trust, and time to feel their desire unfold. They also might need to focus on releasing the brakes that are fighting against their arousal (stress, to do lists, pressure, expectation, etc.) more so than folks with spontaneous desire (in some cases).
Desire = arousal in context. If you’re stress free, feel connected to your partner, and are in an environment that feels pleasurable and sexy to you, desire will more easily surface. If you’re stressed out, have a lot on your mind, feel distant from your partner, and don’t register your surroundings as pleasurable or sexy, that desire is going to have a hard time sprouting to the surface.
Note: desire isn’t black and white. We don’t necessarily stay in one type of desire. It depends on context, what’s happening in our life, stress levels, relationship status, and more. For example, most couples experience spontaneous desire at the beginning of the relationship when things are new and exciting and novel. Often times, when the relationship shifts into long term status, desire also shifts into responsive.
[a brief history of sexual response models]
In 1966, sex therapists Masters & Johnson proposed a four-stage model of human sexual response:
excitement —> plateau —> orgasm —> resolution.
Then, in 1977, Helen Singer Kaplan presented an alternative model that had three stages:
desire —> excitement —> orgasm
These models center spontaneous desire because, as you can see, the desire comes before the excitement/arousal.
Luckily, in 2022, Rosemary Basson came along with her model. It explained how responsive desire works and filled in the gaps of previous models. Basson wanted to convey that the sexual motivation is not necessarily orgasm but pleasure, satisfaction, and intimacy. It also shows that desire can come after sexual stimuli and arousal have been established.
You may have experienced responsive desire before if:
You responded better to an intimate invitation (would you like to have some quality time later?) than a sexual request (I’d like to have sex later).
You weren’t horny for sex, per se, but you were willing to engage in intimacy because it was with someone you love(d) or trust(ed) (this is very different than coercion, just to be clear).
You felt a resistance toward being intimate with your person, but once you put your devices away and started talking and touching and connecting again, you noticed your desire for that person re-emerge.
You didn’t initiate because it wasn’t at the top of your priority list.
You are a human living in a stressful world with a lot to think about.
Note: We’ll talk more about asexuality in another newsletter but I just want to mention here that you may know, or come to realize, that your level of desire is due to your asexual identity. Asexuality is valid, real, important, and beautiful. And, as with anything else, it works on a spectrum (more on that later) and doesn’t always mean that you have zero desire for sex. Just something else to ponder/look into, whether you are asexual or not.
Now you know that there is spontaneous desire and responsive desire. I also eluded to the fact that there’s context-dependent desire, where someone can fluctuate between spontaneous and responsive desire depending on the context.
Until next week, I invite you to notice 1. What it felt like to read about responsive desire. Did it strike a chord? Did it resonate in any way? and 2. What sort of context/factors help your desire emerge? Is it a sensual environment with candles and massage oil? Is it after you do some sort of restorative practice that lowers your stress? Is it having a deep conversation with your person? Vacation? If it helps, you can think of a positive sexual experience you had in the past and note/jot down the different elements that made it positive. And just a reminder: sex doesn’t just mean intercourse. It can be any experience where you felt arousal, pleasure, or satisfaction.
This is a lot to chew on so take your time reading, re-reading, reflecting and talking about this stuff with other people in your life. If you feel like this information is valuable, I’d love it if you shared this newsletter with a friend so they can learn about their own desire.
I’m excited to keep diving in together! In the meantime, feel free to reach out with any thoughts or questions.
love, Sarah