I’ve been thinking a lot about initiation dynamics — how partners choose to initiate intimate connection, and how, when their styles differ, it can lead to cross-wired communication, frustration, or withdrawal (especially with lack of communication).
A while back I turned to my partner and asked, how do you like to be loved? After I asked it, I was shocked that it was the first time I had explicitly posed the question in our long-term relationship. I think I had just assumed that he wanted to be loved the way I did. I knew this wasn’t the whole truth though, because that assumption sometimes led to missed cues for attention or bids for connection. There were times where it felt like we were speaking different languages and couldn’t cross over into mutual understanding.
But after we both answered that question, we better understood how our desires overlapped and how they differed. I imagined it like a Venn diagram in my head. Focusing on the differences felt especially important to me because, then, we could practice loving each other in ways that were not particularly instinctive. We could work on bringing more awareness to those modes of loving to help each other feel seen and held.
I like to be loved through emotional intimacy, curiosity, and engaging conversation. It helps me feel connected, embraced, and ultimately what helps my desire for intimacy emerge. Yours might be the same, or it might be physical touch, sensuality, quality time, or something else.
At the beginning of a relationship, everything can seem perfectly matched. Intimacy might happen more easily and frequently. Things are novel, exciting, thrilling. All of those delicious, delirious chemicals are going off in our brain. As the relationship continues on into long-term territory, initiation dynamics can shift. Maybe your partner approaches you with a butt squeeze and you love it or are completely turned off by it. You might prefer explicit initiation over subtlety, or vice versa. You might desire a more mental or emotional invitation before getting your physical body involved. There are many ways to initiate and it’s important to reflect on how you prefer to be invited into intimacy and how you and your partner can approach that conversation together.
Note: initiation does not have to lead to sex. Consent is ongoing, even in long-term relationships. Initiation might turn into a cuddle fest, might lead to sex, or might be appreciated as is, without going anywhere else. Understanding your partner’s initiation style should be approached with the intent to do just that — understand them — and not a means to get them to have sex. Our aim is deepening heartfelt connection, not breeding obligation. Elise Robinson writes, “The more pressure that can be taken off of responding to initiation in a particular way, the more successful initiation will generally be.”
According to sexologist Zebroff, there are 4 ways to light up your erotic brain:
Sensation: igniting the senses and feeling into the embodiment of pleasure. This might include physical touch like caressing or massaging; lighting candles or cooking and sharing a delicious meal together.
Sentimental-emotional: this initiation style prioritizes relationship-building and emotional connection. Intentional conversation without distractions; presence; arranging quality time; going for a walk; discussing something you both read or listened to; getting into the bones of a particular topic; checking in on something that’s happening in your life and any emotions wrapped up in that.
Seductive-erotic: this initiation style is more sexually explicit. Flirting, seduction, sexual playfulness; teasing, building anticipation and sexual charge; talking about sex; sending flirty messages throughout the day; sharing explicit requests or desires like, I want you so bad right now.
Surrender: this style is more submissive; you might want the other person to take the lead, to present a sexual plan or extend a spontaneous gesture (grabbing your face and kissing you, for example); might involve power play or sexual passion and urgency.
Just like anything, initiation styles can fluctuate. You might want something different depending on the context or where you’re at emotionally, mentally, and physically. When I’m feeling more weighed down by my emotions, I prefer sentimental-emotional. I need time to process my emotions and have tender, open conversations with my partner. This makes me feel seen and held, increasing connection as well as my interest in intimacy.
When I’m feeling lighter, less consumed with a heavy situation, I crave a mix of seductive-erotic and surrender. My mind feels clear enough to receive spontaneous gestures of sexual passion, like random make outs or my partner pulling me into them out of nowhere. When I’m less stressed or preoccupied, I have the capacity to send flirty texts and the confidence to explore that sexual playfulness.
Sometimes I crave one specific style and sometimes I want a blend of several. We can use these styles as a roadmap for connection and understanding without being too rigid about it. I’ve found it helpful to have these categories of initiation, especially when approaching the topic with my partner. Similar to the five love languages, you can present the types in a general fashion as a way to lead-in to a more personal conversation.
On shifting from feeling pressured to feeling inspired, Dr. Zebroff says, “change the question from whether you want to have sex or not to how you want to light up your erotic brains, together.”
What if your initiation styles don’t match?
Just like mismatched love languages, you and your partner can make an effort to practice each other’s styles of initiation in a way that feels approachable and genuine. You might make an effort to ask them about their day or check in on something that’s been happening in their life; give them space to share. You might make it a goal to lean into your partner more physically — give them that spontaneous hug when you think of it, or grab their face, look into their eyes, and give them a kiss. How can you show them that they’re on your mind, that you’re considering them, that you appreciate and crave their presence in your life?
It’s funny how, sometimes, when we have an established understanding that we care for one another, the effort to outwardly show it can fade. But this is normal in a long-term relationship when we’ve settled into habitual patterns and routines. It takes practice and awareness to celebrate each other — but the process of cultivating that kind of ritual can be really beautiful and reviving for the relationship. You might start by turning to your partner today and asking, how do you want to be loved right now?
Resources:
This TedTalk by Dr. Petra Zebroff
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