When I saw this in a store recently, I immediately guffawed, and then had to take a picture of it. I leaned in towards my friend and said, this is exactly what we don’t want in relationships.
I spent a lot of my younger years thinking I owed men sexual pleasure. I’m lucky that I never ended up with someone who thought I owed them sex to a point that resulted in force or violence. Sadly, the mindset that sex is owed, often reinforced by the myth that sex is a drive (i.e. we need it to survive — news flash, we don’t), does lead to manipulation, force, and violence in some instances. Which is why we need to expel the myth that sex is a drive (it’s an incentive) and release the tit for tat mentality that reinforces these harmful sex imperatives. It doesn’t help that we see so many examples of this message in the media:
When I was younger I heard the classic but I’m gunna get blue balls from boys. Some even put on a very convincing performance, feigning desperation and acting like they’d perish if they didn’t orgasm. It’s no wonder I spent so many years thinking each sexual encounter had to lead to orgasm (specifically, his orgasm).
These thoughts and beliefs also come from what I watched growing up, and sadly were perpetuated by the lack of quality sexual education I received. In Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski talks about how sexual messaging often comes from three places: medical, moral, and media. We learn about sex through our religious upbringing, what we see on TV and in movies, and/or what we hear (or don’t hear) from medical professionals. We can also pick up messages from our caregivers or intimate relationships and carry them into future sexual scenarios.
Feeling like you owe someone sex is not a good feeling at all. It can breed shame (I’m not sexual enough, I’m not a good enough partner, etc.) which doesn’t help anything. In a workshop about shame that I took with Kai Cheng Thom, she said:
“When we experience shame, there’s usually at least two scripts running at the same time. There’s the part that feels ashamed (I am bad, I am scared, I am unlovable) and then there’s the part that is shaming; the part inside of us that echoes whatever we’re hearing in the other person or people who made us feel ashamed.”
She went on to talk about staying with the sensation of shame and releasing the narrative/interpretation. Then, from that somatic sensing, what can you glean? What kind of resourcing do you need?
Here’s an example of what this process has looked like for me:
My partner pleasures me and then, that’s it. He’s completely content and satisfied (as am I) and there’s no okay your turn or eyes that imply that I need to hold up my end of the bargain. He wants to lay there with me and bask in the afterglow of my orgasm, and my orgasm alone. Guilt starts to show up and I can feel it as a sinking in my stomach and a hyperawareness of his body language. But when I stop myself and interrupt the narrative of you need to return the favor, I can get a better read on it all. I realize that my partner is not asking for anything in return and is happily laying there. I can spot where that guilt comes from (years of people pleasing and care taking feelings; unrealistic portrayals of sex and relationships; selfish partners; all of those things tricking me into thinking I don’t deserve to fully embrace and enjoy my pleasure). After calling it out, I say fuck that (in some way, shape, or form) and take a few deep breaths, trying to savor the pleasure and joy of the moment.
I love calling this stuff out because I can more clearly see that it’s not an inherent part of me — it’s something that was put on me, like a heavy layer, that I can now choose to strip off (which, yes, takes time and attention and practice). I often stop and ask myself, is what I’m thinking/believing coming from me or my culture? More often than not, it’s coming from an old, outdated cultural place (or person or situation) that doesn’t have my best interests in mind.
*If your partner is the source of you feeling guilty, uncomfortable, or obligated, please reach out to a trusted friend or therapist. This article by Planned Parenthood talks about how to spot sexual coercion and resources to help.
In case someone hasn’t told you lately, you don’t owe anyone sex, no matter what your relationship status is. When it comes to sex, there is no ideal frequency or amount of sex you should be having. For Sex Ed Book Club we’re reading Come Together by Emily Nagoski and in it, she writes:
“..it’s to help liberate readers from any sense of obligation, and to help their partners recognize the necessity of creating a space where there is not pressure, expectation, or obligation, and everyone is a littler freer to explore pleasure in a context of safety and autonomy.”
🦋 Looking for a warm, welcoming, safe space to talk about pleasure? Come hang out with us at Sex Ed Book Club this Wednesday evening online. We’re talking about creating lasting sexual connections, centering pleasure, and more. Donations are appreciated but not required. If you’d like to contribute to the life of book club, you can donate to my Venmo: @sarahdiedrick. Thank you and hope to see you there ❤️
💐 Looking for 1:1 support around sex, intimacy, and pleasure? Book a free intro call with me to see if working together would be a good fit! During the call I’ll share my pleasure philosophy and what kind of coaching/education/support I offer. We’ll also talk about your areas of focus and what you’re looking for right now. You’re not committed or obligated to sign on after the intro call if it doesn’t feel like the right fit/time for you.