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I have to admit, I sometimes grapple with my asexual identity. Some days I feel completely at home in it. Some days I question whether I align with it or not. Some days I think about how it would just
be easier if I could sense attraction before forming an emotional bond; before getting hooked to later find out there are other incompatibilities. Some days I feel like a fraud because attraction and sex are still important to me.
But then I remember the inevitable nuances of identity and orientation. I remember that I often experience attraction differently than society has deemed “appropriate” and I immediately feel thankful for the ways asexuality has opened up a space for me to feel held and celebrated in that experience. I feel lucky to have stumbled upon the term demisexuality some years ago and to still see myself so clearly in it. I’ve written before about it:
I see how I orbit in the asexual universe, particularly when I see asexuality as a queer orientation to sexuality, something that destabilizes heteronormative hierarchies by decentralizing sex. I often exist on the fringe of what society has deemed appropriate for me: high desire, instant attraction, frequent sex. I love being on the fringe. I’m proud to be fringe. GO FRINGE!
It’s not to say that someone who isn’t asexual is wrong; that someone who’s sexual life looks similar to society’s depictions is bad. Not at all. I think anyone who questions and interrogates sexual imperatives or standards falls on the fringe because we’re doing what they don’t want us to do — question them, even if we end up looking similar to the standards after that questioning.
I discovered a term from Kai Cheng Thom (adore her) that crystalizes this experience most of us (all of us?) go through:
Unconsciously absorbing outside ideas just comes with the territory of being a human that lives in a society. What I love about the ACE framework is that it challenges relational hierarchies so we can start to find the difference between what we’ve unconsciously absorbed and what we want to consciously claim.
I love that it makes space for friendships, family, and other platonic relationships to be just as important and intimate as sexual relationships. I love that it has inspired me to fight for romance and intimacy within my friendships and allowed me to experience the joy of flirting with my friends without sexual strings attached.
Such asexphobia (Kim 2014) draws attention to the ways in which asexuality is stigmatized and sexual relationships are elevated above other forms of relating and considered integral to happiness and well-being.
ʚɞ The Erotics of Asexualities and Nonsexualities: Intersectional Approaches
I’m reminding myself that it’s ok to question my identity; that the Q in LGBTQIA+ stands for both queer and questioning. I am both Q’s. I am always questioning, a curious cat to a fault. But I think questioning is one of the best ways to find new facets of self; one of the best ways to prevent a stagnant, stuck life; an effort to keep things moving, dancing, breathing, growing.
Some days my desire hides under the awning of my tender heart and complicated thoughts. Other days, it crescendos, a surprising mass of excitement and stimulation. I used to feel rocked by this inconsistency but lately I’ve been feeling grateful that I get to be in this dance; that I’m undulating instead of coasting; that the shifts in my desire seem to emulate the natural seasons and give me moments to focus on other passions and relationships in my life.
Some days I closely identify with asexuality and other days I don’t. Some days it feels expansive and others it feels contractive. But I think I’d like to be more like a jellyfish, soft and secure in that ever-present expansion and contraction, embracing that necessary part of moving and existing in an ocean of possibility.
📖 Sex Ed Book Club 📖
Our current book for book club is Ace by Angela Chen. I’m so excited to discuss the nuances of asexuality and how it can expand our ideas of intimacy, desire, and attraction. There’s so much to learn from the ACE framework, whether you identify as asexual or not. I hope you can join us for our next in-person meeting in Burlington on Thursday, April 25th at 6pm est. To register, send me a $10 donation (Venmo: @sarahdiedrick) and leave your email in it. I will email you with the location and any other details ✰
If you don’t have time to read much of the book but still want to prepare and participate in the discussion, here is an interview with the author:
🚨 New Yoga Class 🚨
I recently released a 30 minute Energizing Flow class on my Patreon page. This would be a great morning class or something to break up the middle of your day. It’s a continuous flow aimed to bring more vitality and energy into your day. Here’s a little preview. If you like what you see, you can try my online studio out FREE for 7 days:
🌳 Off the ‘gram 🌳
I’m officially off Instagram for the foreseeable future — here’s my little farewell post. I’m taking this time to pour energy into my writing and prioritize my health through rest, nature bathing, and nourishing relationships.
Instagram was a big outlet for my small biz and a space to share education, events, and more. For that reason, it feels like a risk to step off but I know, deep down, that it’s the right move for my overall wellness right now.
I’m excited for my newsletter to be my main source of sharing because it has always felt like a safe & sacred space for me. Thank you for being here and letting this live and breathe in such a special way. One of the best ways you can support this transition is to share my newsletter with just *one* friend. THANK YOU for being here and contributing to this safe space ♡︎