I wanted to share some thoughts around my demisexual identity with you. It feels more like a collage of thought versus one cohesive story but I guess that’s a good metaphor for how I feel about my sexuality. There will never be a final version of it. It is far too fluid and sentient for that. I like to think of my sexuality more as a collaborative art piece where ideas can be added, painted over, reconstructed. It’s confusing sometimes, and I’m starting to be okay with that, because within confusion is the possibility to learn, inquire, and grow more.
Demisexuality: “the quality or characteristic of being sexually attracted only to people with whom one has a close emotional relationship, and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.”
My friend shows up at the bar and immediately seals her shoulder against mine. “Do you think that guy behind us is cute?” she whispers. I look behind her and see a tall person with bleached hair, a dangly earring, dressed from head-to-toe in denim. They look like the artsy type, whether or not they actually are. I genuinely don’t know if they’re cute or not so I say “I guess so?”
As a demisexual, it’s hard for me to find someone objectively attractive. I have to get to know them first before I can determine that, which is why it feels hard for me to match with people on dating apps. If the conversation is stimulating and I can sense that we’re somewhat aligned intellectually and emotionally, my attraction for them might appear. If they feel trustworthy and safe, my desire might feel safe enough to surface.
Demisexuality is on the ACE spectrum. Asexuality is an umbrella term. Some ACE folks may not experience sexual desire and some may experience it under certain circumstances or contexts.
Demisexuals may also identify with the term graysexual or grace because, “Demisexual people may essentially feel like they’re asexual when they don’t have that bond with anyone, and the bond typically takes a long time to establish.” [asexuality.org is a great resource]
For me, being on the ACE spectrum means operating outside of the dominating definitions of sex. I don’t fall in line with the comphet measurements of how much sex is enough sex. I don’t see myself in mainstream media’s portrayal of sex, desire and attraction. I feel atypical, in the sense that I don’t experience “cold” attraction, meaning I can’t feel attraction based off aesthetics alone, like some other folks can.
From asexuality.org:
Unlike celibacy, which is a choice to abstain from sexual activity, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are, just like other sexual orientations.
Because we don’t have an intrinsic need for sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and if they do have a libido or experience arousal, they do not feel needs are unmet by a lack of sexual activity.
In the poem Floating Islands, Enid Shomer writes:
“I wanted the water / to slow down his desire, I’d said, / so he’d know how a woman feels it / more like a feather drawn / across the flesh than a flame.”
I see myself in these lines. I want others to understand my desire - the slow burn of it; the space and time it needs to trust, and in turn, alight.
My sexuality is not lacking. It is not I don’t feel attraction enough. It is, I know what I need to feel attraction. And that kind of self-knowledge is abundant.
I don’t want to force my body or my desire so that it loses its soft skin. I want it to feel free and buoyant. I heard recently that the sacrum is one of the last bones to decompose after we die. Though it is dense, it is also cancellous. It has a spongy, porous, honeycomb-like structure. It is a juicy bone. I want to embody my own sacrum.
I still contemplate (and occasionally feel confused by) my own sexuality. That’s ok. This is all part of the fluidity. It is all part of the continued process of getting to know myself. For me, it’s been important to learn about these different terms and orientations so I can sit with them and feel how they land; notice if they aptly describe some part of my experience.
Demisexual fits quite well with how I experience attraction. I admit that when I first learned that it was on the ACE spectrum, something in me retracted. I think that retraction comes from the way that dominant culture positions hypersexuality and spontaneous desire as the norm, and in turn, deems asexuality as lacking. As I wrote above, I see it now as abundant. Abundant because it has allows me to explore more avenues of pleasure in my life, take time to see how I’ve been conditioned around my sexuality, and teaches me about what and how I desire.
SEX ED BOOK CLUB MEETING (virtual)
tomorrow (tuesday) march 7th at 7pm est.
*registration required [register here]
We’ll be using these two podcasts as the basis of our discussion:
Hope to see you there <3