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Today we’re talking about fantasies. Sexual fantasies, that is. Something that has become more openly talked about (I hate that Fifty Shades of Grey gets credit for that) but is still often wrapped up in taboo; something that can be a key component in maintaining sexual desire but is still shrouded by shame.
What is a sexual fantasy? It’s an imagined scenario or mental image that stirs a person’s sexual arousal.
I just started researching fantasies because I am so fascinated by the psychology of them. As a person who sometimes fantasizes about a scenario that kind of irks me in real life and touches on my trauma, I’m curious to know about that. Why do I get aroused by something that has caused me distress in real life? Is it the sense of control and consent I’m reclaiming in this alternate version of the story?
Though I have yet to find any research related to that specifically, I did find a study called “Exploring Variations in Individuals’ Relationships to Sexual Fantasies,” where researchers put sexual fantasies into four categories: romance (fantasizing about a romantic partner), power dynamics (submissive + dominant), pain (sadism, where one gets aroused by inflicting pain + masochism, where one gets aroused by their own pain), and sexual violence.
The study also included psychosexual characteristics that can play into the type of fantasies we have: gender, experiences of childhood sexual abuse, sexual compulsion, and romantic attachment.
Here’s an article about the most common fantasies. And here’s a podcast episode about the most common fantasy, threesomes + group sex.
In another study I found called “Sexual Fantasy of Cisgender and Nonbinary Individuals” the researchers write:
“Cis men’s fantasies have been found to contain more visual imagery and explicit anatomic detail, while cis women show more affection-laden, emotion-laden and story line-type fantasies,” which can be reflected in what type of porn or erotica we choose to engage with.
“Cisgender men’s sexual fantasies are generally depicted as more characterized by impersonal relationships and dominant scenarios while cisgender women seem to fantasize more about romance and submission, in a scenario in which they play the role of their partner’s object of desire.”
“Nonbinary folks seemed to fantasize more about being someone else and changing their body, a relevant theme that also emerged in the study.”
Unfortunately, research among the trans and nonbinary communities is scarce but my hope is that more research and studies are conducted that span the gender spectrum to include more people and identities. By including more nonbinary and trans people, we can learn about the breadth of sex and pleasure that doesn’t fit into cisheteropatriarchal norms and structures. Of course there are cisgendered people who are doing the work of interrogating narrow sexual scripts and opening up their sexual practices, but we can also learn so much about/from our nonbinary and trans communities.
So, according to research, a lot of people indulge in sexual fantasy. Then why is it still such a forbidden topic? Well, besides sex in general being a historically taboo and suppressed subject, I think we sometimes feel surprised and ashamed by the nature of our fantasies. From people who fantasize about gang bangs to others who might click on incest porn, certain fantasies and turn ons can feel like dirty secrets because of what we’ve learned is morally okay or not.
But it’s important to remember that, often, sexual fantasies do not match up with desired sexual behavior. It might be arousing as fantasy but not as reality. For a lot of people, fantasies are a safe place to explore and exercise scenarios that are not desired in real life. Having sexual fantasies does not make you a bad or immoral person. As long as you are not playing out that fantasy in a way that harms yourself or other people, it’s totally fine and healthy to fantasize. If your fantasies become obsessive or overwhelming - in a way that causes you distress - it could be helpful to talk to a therapist or sex therapist about your fantasies. But if your fantasies help you access your desire and pleasure, then dream away! No one can fault you for your imagination.
You are also not obligated to share your fantasies with your partner or anyone else. It might feel really good or hot to share them but your fantasies are yours to share or withhold.
Another simple reason why we might not talk more about fantasies is that they’re private. Fantasies are an accessible way of escaping, going somewhere else, briefly leaving the routine of our everyday lives. Fantasies are our own and it can feel good to reserve a place just for us, where we can secretly indulge our wildest sex scenes and revel in the power of our imagination. Fantasies are novel. They’re exciting. They’re creative because we get to author our own erotica.
If you are interested in playing out a fantasy with a romantic and/or sexual partner, you might fill out this prompt: I have always wanted to ask for __________, but __________ holds me back.
We did this exercise in school and compiled the answers. Here are some of the responses:
Getting clear on what’s holding you back can cue you into whether or not this is a fantasy you actually want to share. As you can see from above, reflecting on our fantasies might reveal other important things about our relationship, about stigma, about fear of judgment, and more.
Stigma is a negative social attitude attached to a specific trait that is considered a mental, physical, social, or moral failure. Stigma runs rampant in the sexual sphere and it’s worthy work to dig into that and learn where the stigma comes from so you can work to release the shame associated with it.
I think one way to embark on this process of releasing shame around fantasy is to learn more about them; read up on other people’s fantasies so you don’t feel alone in it; explore fantasy through quality erotica apps like Dipsea and ethical porn sites; talk to your therapist about it if that feels right; do before care and after care around your fantasy sessions. And remember that we all fantasize, whether it’s about that delectable meal we had a few days ago or that hottie we want to ___________ (you fill in the blank. It’s your fantasy after all).
Another great way to feel seen in your sexuality and desires is to join a welcoming, nonjudgmental, pleasure-centered space like SEX ED BOOK CLUB, where you can feel safe sharing about these things if you choose.
We’re having our next virtual meeting on Tuesday March 7th at 7pm est. We had to cancel our last in person meeting because of weather so let’s try this again online! We’re going to discuss these two podcast episodes:
Some themes/questions that I picked up from these episodes are:
What did we learn about sex, pleasure, and our bodies growing up?
What was our dominant sphere of influence?
Pleasure being co-opted by capitalism
Possibility models
How the asexual spectrum shouldn’t be defined by lack
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts and what ideas/topics stood out to you. Registration is required for this meeting. Please register here to receive the link for our meeting!
Thanks for reading and being here <3
- Sarah