I’m going to say something that I hope frees you in some way:
You can want to (or be willing to) have sex for many reasons.
And the reason doesn’t always have to include feeling strong attraction or a burning desire for sex.
We’ve been fed this narrative that when we move into sex, we should be foaming at the mouth with ferocious lust and that rip-your-clothes-off energy. That might be the case, and that’s great! But it might not be the case, and that’s great too! The point is, sex and intimacy are much more nuanced and subtle than the standard script we’ve received from media, heteronormativity, purity culture, lack of comprehensive sex education, and more.
It’s important to reflect on your unique motivations for sex, but what if you did it through the lens of an expansive definition? If we think about the entire scope of sex — or even refer to it as intimacy or connection instead — we can include so much more, such as: stimulating conversation, sensual touch, making out, flirty eye contact, sexting, reading or watching erotica, putting on an outfit that makes you feel attractive, and the list goes on. I like to think of sex as everything that feeds into connection, closeness, play, and that unexplainable pull.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you might be willing to have sex without a burning desire for it. This might feel important for folks who have responsive desire, meaning their desire emerges in response to sexual stimuli (psychological or physical). It might feel important for folks on the asexuality spectrum or those experiencing less desire than usual.
Important note: A willingness to have sex is different than sexual coercion. Being manipulated, shamed, pressured, or threatened into having sex is not okay or acceptable. Willingness means that personal autonomy is still intact and there’s a choice to lean into sex and intimacy.
So, with this in mind, what are your motivations for sex/intimacy/pleasure?
Maybe, on a given day, the motivation is sensuality and presence. You can then think of what activity might best satiate that motivation, like sensual touch or massage. I recently bought this massage oil from Earth + Salt and my partner and I gave each other massages. It was such a sweet way to connect and tune into each other in a different way. If you’re looking to incorporate toys or tools into your intimate life, you can use my code SARAH15 for a 15% discount at Earth + Salt (online or in person!)
If it’s playfulness, you and your partner might try something new that sparks joy and laugher. I recently went to a trampoline park with my best friends and partner and the child-like joy we shared made me feel more connected to them.
I like to remember the entire ecosystem of pleasure when I engage in this reflection. Jumping on a trampoline with my partner might not feel sexual, but shaking things up and reveling in presence and play can definitely spark a desire to experience closeness in other ways.
Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of motivations for sex:
Do any of these stand out to you? Resonate? Feel free to pick out one, or a few, and then write activities that align with these motivations. Another example: if you’re craving mental stimulation, you could invite a partner to listen to a podcast and then set a date to share each other’s thoughts about it.
Fortunately, the possibilities are aplenty. Taking time to tend to your intimate life in this way can help you connect with yourself — and a partner — more diversely and deeply.
sex ed book club | dec 20th @ 6pm est online | register here