Intimacy doesn’t have to look or feel a certain way. It is whatever offers you a sense of closeness and connection (with yourself or another). When I asked folks through my Instagram what intimacy means to them, I received the following responses:
touching foreheads
eating a meal together without phones or tv
active listening
long kitchen hugs everyday after work
sauna together
eye contact
sipping tea together
watching the sky
witnessing the other person tidy their space
None of these involve sex. Some of these may lead to sex but the essence of them all transcend beyond the bounds of sex. Intimacy and sex have become enmeshed in our culture - so much so - that we’ve lost sight of the nuance and capaciousness of intimacy’s nature. That doesn’t mean that sex isn’t a type of intimacy (it certainly can be) or that sex can’t be expansive and boundless.
What it means is that we can find meaningful ways to connect outside of sex, despite what the standard cultural scripts tells us. It means that sex and intimacy might be entangled in some instances, but not all of them. It means that intimacy can be a through line in the varied and fluctuating facets of our life. It feels ever-present, a force that thrums beneath the surface of whatever sexual or non-sexual situation we find ourselves in.
Intimacy can carve out new pathways for discovery and connection in a long-term relationship. It can provide solace when sex feels like drudgery. It can help you learn about the many ways you are capable of loving. It can be focused on, exclusively, when sex feels too pressurized, or it can be laced into the sex we’re already having or wanting. I think one of the most beautiful qualities of intimacy is that it can be experienced in any relationship, whether that’s platonic or sexual or romantic.
Exploring the ecosystem of intimacy is a fruitful task for anyone who wants to live a fuller, deeper, more heartfelt life. Types of intimacy (inspired by Aubri Lancaster) can include:
Emotional: safety to confide in others, sharing feelings, venting, validating one another’s experience, vulnerability.
Physical/Sensual: focusing on pleasure over orgasm/performance, nonsexual touch, physical affirmations, cuddling, eye contact.
Experiential: trying something new together, spontaneous adventures, learning a new skill, shopping, role play, art.
Mental/Intellectual: challenging each other to evolve, engaging in thoughtful conversations, discussing books or podcasts, brainstorming ideas.
Spiritual: going to yoga together, meditating, rituals/services.
Is there a type of intimacy you have yet to explore, or want to explore on a deeper level? Is there one you want to focus on, either in your relationship with yourself or someone else (or both)? Intimacy is a kind of possibility model; an umami that adds depth of flavor to our relationships. I invite you to reflect on how intimacy and sex intersect in your own life, and also, how and where intimacy is a free agent that can sustain itself apart from sex.
<3
Sarah