Last weekend I went away with a few friends for my birthday and I’m still reeling from all the intimate, unadulterated time together. It’s been a while since I went on a group trip and I forgot the specific type of joy that comes from sharing space with friends for an extended period of time.
Birthdays tend to initiate deep reflection for me, as I’m sure they do for a lot of us. This last year was one of my toughest yet, but it was also the year I learned the most about friendship.
Last weekend highlighted that any of the humor or brightness that has been dimmed over the last year has been replenished, in part, by the love and authenticity of my friends.
Here are some of the lessons I’m personally reflecting on around friendships as I step into my 34th year:
Friendships don’t have to - and shouldn’t - be siloed from romance and intimacy. Bringing elements into my friendships that I strive for in partnership (affection, affirmation, emotional intimacy) has been the most sweetly staggering experience for me.
Friendships provide a great and necessary sense of confidence when they allow you to be exactly who you are - emotional, weird, flawed, brilliant, and all the rest.
Some friendships require more boundaries and that’s ok. Friendships are complex, layered, storied, and look different from person to person.
One of the most refreshing things about my closest friendships is the silliness and playfulness they coax out of me. My friends teach me to respect the gravity of life but to never forget how healing laughter is. This kind of levity protects me from becoming too hard and seeds a softness that feels vital. This lightness of being is one that harkens back to my childhood, before I was aware of the weight of the world.
From Queer Sex Therapy: “As I’ve become more secure and consistent in how I show up across my relationships, the less I’ve felt the need to draw lines separating friendship from partnership. This has come with vulnerability and often a felt sense of high risk, and it comes with intimacy that is actively healing a younger version of me.”
Learning how to give and receive love from my friends more fully has helped me love and appreciate my partner more deeply. Watching certain friends make an effort to have their own relationship with my partner has made my life feel more integrated and whole. It has helped emphasize the love and appreciation I have for him.
My friends have taught me how to cast a wide net with my love and share myself authentically across all relationships. Rather than fragment myself to appease certain situations or people, my most solid friendships have instilled the kind of confidence that is helping me be my unabashed self no matter where I am or who I’m with.