Spilling Over
being messy, desire, sex as a celebration of our shadow sides
Dear reader/friend/cutie/bb,
Today I bring you a smattering of different things I’ve been reading / thinking about + reflections from our last sex ed book club. Sometimes I put pressure on myself to have a neatly-tied, cohesive piece for you but in the spirit of spilling over, here is a bit of a brain drain!
Thank you for being here and reading my words. This space means the most to me. I’m going off social media, so if my writing impacts you in any sort of nourishing way, please share it with a friend. I’d love help spreading the (literal) word. Thank youuuuu <3 happy weekend, sending you lots of love 💋
The sky is just starting to turn as I write this. Later than I’m used to. I’m still adjusting to the time change. Forcing myself to get up at 5:30 so I have time to write before I go to work. Last weekend was one long cuddle puddle session with my friends, the ones closest to my heart, the ones I kiss on the lips and spill everything to. I’m getting excited for spring. Excited to open my windows and let the sun flood in. Excited to saddle up by the window and lay my body in a sun spot. Indoor outdoor, as my friend calls it. Sunbathing from inside my apartment.
I’m in awe of how much affection I give and receive, both in private and public. I sometimes forget that it’s fairly new for me. Not something I’m historically used to. But now it’s the norm and I bask in the glow of melodically running my fingers through my friend’s hair as we watch our other friend sing in front of a living room of people, our community. Feel held as a lover finds my hand under the bar and laces their fingers through mine, so quickly, so seamlessly, like it’s all just starting to fit.
Lately, keeping records has felt important to me. Maybe that’s just a product of getting older, of wanting to hold on to these precious moments. I’m journaling more so I can look back and remember these days. I’ve been drawing blind portraits of people I spend time with. I love doing these portraits – tracing the form of someone I care about with slow eyes, trying to match the pace of my traveling gaze with the rate my hand is moving, laying their form on paper with meandering, inky lines.
I’ve been nannying and am starting to notice how the girls are unraveling me. How they are freeing a different kind of play, a more imaginative, silly, wacky kind of play. I’m used to sharp, intellectual humor but to use my body to express silliness, to make strange, unattractive faces, to role play and do voices and not have it make any sense feels really freeing.
I am letting myself be changed by the people around me, not in a way that sacrifices my sense of self but allows it to emerge more fully. The other night, a friend told me they are practicing releasing perfectionism and allowing themselves to spill over. It’s okay to be silly and sassy and even dumb, they said, people can handle it. I’m practicing allowing myself to spill over, to be in the essential messiness of process, to not always be premeditated, to trust myself and others to receive my spontaneous expressions.
My friend lent me a book called Desire/Love by Lauren Berlant that has me thinking about the spectrum of desire. How can I feel galvanized by desire but not tricked by it? Desire engenders a sense of optimism, a new narrative of possibility, new erotic horizons. It feels creative and energizing but I have to be mindful of when I use desire to distract myself from addressing certain needs/shortcomings/aspirations in my life.
Lauren Berlant speaks to the shadow side of desire:
“Your desire misrecognizes a given object as that which will restore you to something that you sense effectively as a hole in you.”
In book club we talked about how, within the context of BDSM and Kink, there is an opportunity to exercise our shadow sides, the parts of us that have been deemed “unsavory” by society.
“They learn, further, to be afraid of the consequences when their desire attaches to too many objects or to objects deemed ‘bad’” - Desire/Love by Lauren Berlant.
Someone mentioned that their shadow parts — being bossy, controlling, assertive — have a chance to be celebrated within the context of sex. Their share landed with me because, lately, sex has felt like this playground where I can freely run around and air out parts of me that are either deemed unfit or that I want to practice wielding more tactfully. Things like: naming desires, making requests, setting boundaries, being assertive, using a strong presence to command.
I am so in awe of my community, of these people who show up with their whole selves. I don’t take it for granted and I feel so fortunate to be loved and inspired and transformed by these big beautiful hearts and minds and bodies and spirits.
`♡´Sarah`♡´