Sex Ed Q&A Cont'd
Self pleasure for vulvas! Masturbation tips!
Let’s continue our Sex Ed Q&A by talking about masturbation. Woohoo. Right on the heels of National Orgasm Day 💦 Here’s an anthem for our topic:
I’m going to specifically talk about self-pleasure for vulvas but some of these tips and insights can apply to any sort of genitals you’re working with. Bonus: you can try these out when you’re pleasuring someone else’s vulva.
We’re all at different points in our self pleasure journey, so if all of this information feels overwhelming, that’s completely normal. Try focusing on one at a time. Take things slow. This is a toolkit so pick and choose your tools depending on what you’re needing, or wanting to focus on, right now. Without further ado, here are my top tips for deepening and expanding your solo pleasure practice.
✰ Identify roadblocks:
Many things could be getting in the way of your access to pleasure: stress, judgments, the expectation to orgasm or feel a certain level of sensation. Our minds and bodies have collected all of these messages from popular culture about what self pleasure should look and feel like (multiple, mind-blowing orgasms and loud moaning and all that jazz) but it doesn’t have to mimic that. It might, but it also might not. Expecting to have an orgasm or feel a certain way can often inhibit our pleasure.
It can also lead to spectatoring, where we judge our experience in comparison to what we’ve seen or heard about sex and pleasure and bodies. You might get distracted by internal dialogue that says I’m taking too long or why do my labia look like that? or why am I not feeling much? or why am I feeling so much? or any other mental chatter.
It takes practice but try and remember that sexual insecurity often stems from messages that aren’t considering your truer, more authentic experience. Start to practice softening their grip on you. You might not be able to eradicate them completely, but you can begin to create more distance from them by recognizing the ones that weren’t yours in the first place.
✰ Use resources + tools:
Watching, listening to, or reading ethical porn and erotica can help feed your fantasies and get you acquainted with what turns you on. If you’re someone who needs extra time to ease into the experience and reconnect with your desire, these can be great tools for sensual play.
Try: Pink Label, Bellesa, Cheex, and CrashPad for ethical porn; Dipsea and Quinn for steamy audio.
Try toys! Once I went suction toy, I never looked back. Bye bye pocket rocket from Spencer’s in my hometown mall. No hate for the pocket rocket, but as Melissa Febos writes, “I used it for a decade, until its buzz grew so loud that it sounded like an actual Toyota in need of a new muffler and finally sputtered out for good.”
Try: Dame, Unbound Babes, and Satisfyer are some of the brands I personally like. Browse an adult store site, like Earth + Salt, to get to know all types of toys, vibrators and beyond. Anal toys, dildos, massage oils, nipple clamps. The world is your oyster.
✰ Prioritize open exploration:
In this article, Anna Lee talks about what she learned after masturbating every day for a month. As you can see below, she found that focusing on sensation + using a toy is what got her off the most. Being present with actual sensation (versus idealized sensation) is a biggie, which is where mindfulness comes into play. One of Anna’s takeaways was that the longer she spent masturbating, the longer her orgasms were.
Open exploration can mean prioritizing foreplay, making sure you have enough time to explore and relax into the experience; being in a space/context that allows you to limit distractions and feel comfortable and safe.
Being curious and noticing sensation without judgment can be a huge part of accessing more pleasure. Part of this means untethering our mind from the productive, busy, dopamine-driven mindset it’s so used to. Let yourself luxuriate in being with your body, noticing any judgments or challenging feelings that rise up with a gentle, tender heart. Remember, even with yourself, you can slow down, pause, or redirect.
✰ Get to know your anatomy:
Notice if you have a masturbation script, meaning, a habitual way of self-pleasuring. Do you always go straight for the clit? If so, DUH. I’m going straight for that bundle of 10,000+ nerve endings. But you might want to switch it up to see what else you might discover.
Try: stimulating different areas of your vulva. Run a toy along your inner thighs or play with your nipples.
As you can see from the bottom image, the external clitoris is just the tip of the iceberg. The internal clitoris keeps running down and around like a sexy lil wishbone.
✰ Use lube:
I can’t say it enough. LUBE! Vulvas have delicate tissues and proper lubrication helps decrease friction and increase comfort.
Some of my favs: Foria CBD arousal oil, Slippery Stuff, Uberlube, Aloe Cadabra.
Notes: water-based lubes are great for any activity and can be good for sensitive skin. Silicone-based lubes are compatible with most condoms but make sure to check! And avoid using silicone lube with silicone toys — it can degrade them. Oil-based lubes are not compatible with condoms.
✰ Try different techniques / types of touch (inspired by OMGYES):
Indirect pressure: play with intensity. If your clitoris is on the sensitive side, you can try layering by playing with the clitoris through clothing/underwear. You can also glide over the clitoral hood (make sure it’s well lubricated!) or move the skin of the hood over the clitoris itself.
Hinting/teasing: move up and down the labia, barely touching the clit or sprinkling in direct touches here and there; weave around it, graze over it, give it a little tease to build arousal.
Edging: edging is when you stop stimulating yourself before the point of orgasm, which prolongs pleasure and can sometimes make the eventual orgasm longer and/or stronger.
✰ Bring breath + mindfulness into the mix:
Call on your breath to anchor you in the moment and notice sensation. Remember that masturbation can look and feel so many different ways. You might spend the whole time touching your body and getting to know it better. You might reach orgasm. You might not know if you’ve reached orgasm or not! All of this is part of the process of becoming more intimate with your body and its pleasure. If you experience pain during masturbation, consider seeing a pelvic floor therapist to address any issues that may be getting in the way.
I hope this helps you connect with your erotic energy and give yourself the slowness and space to explore the many possibilities of your pleasure ♡︎
*°:⋆ₓₒ Sarah
Have a question of your own? Fill out the form below and you might just get your question answered. All submissions are anonymous.