Wow. The alliteration in that title. Today I’m talking about the value of structure in sex and intimacy¹. I know, I know. It totally contradicts the dominant cultural messaging that says sex should always be spontaneous. I must admit, even I quake a bit when I see the word structure associated with sex. It reads as unsexy and even frivolous. But I know this response is an externally-driven idea about sex that pales in comparison to what I know to be true — that introducing structure and boundaries into my own intimate life has been majorly positive.
Contrary to what we’ve been told, intimacy is a practice. It requires a tending to. Even if I’ve got the “hang” of it, I still want to learn more, gather new ideas and perspectives, outgrow what I think I know about it. It’s why I still go to yoga classes even though I’m an experienced practitioner and teacher. It’s why I love using recipes to cook or bake (definitely not as experienced in this area).
Having these guides and containers keeps the inspiration flowing; it opens up possibility; it reminds me that sex is not always spontaneous, mysterious, and intuitive (though many parts of it can be). Don’t get me wrong, I love and crave the flirty mystery that comes with sexual play (gimme that sexy, suggestive text) but the mystery of not knowing what someone wants or needs — that kind of mystery — feels unsettling and undesirably ambiguous to me.
It really helps me to think of sex not only as the physical act itself, but everything that feeds into that physical interaction. And communication is one of the major feeders. Particularly, consistent check ins.
Committing to consistent check ins in my own relationships (romantic, sexual, platonic) has garnered a deeper sense of closeness and connection. I’ve found it acts like bumpers at a bowling alley, directing the growth of the relationship on a more clear and forward path, versus it veering off into a gutter of questioning.
Communication can help soften the influx of hypotheses that our minds imagine up in the absence of clarity. Our brain wants to fill in the gaps and it will certainly do that in every which way without communication and check ins (speaking from experience here).
Setting check in dates (weekly, bi-weekly, whatever works best) funnels energy and care into the relationship. Almost all of the people I work with one-on-one have told me that introducing check-ins has been one of the most impactful things in their relationship.
You can start your check ins with what’s going well / areas of growth. Some examples :
I really appreciate that you came to yoga with me this week. That felt really special to share with you.
It was really fun to try something new with you this week.
I think we’ve been doing a great job at being more playful with each other lately.
It means a lot that we’re both open to working on our communication and intimacy.
I’ve been loving our little make out sessions when we get home from work (teaser : next newsletter is about bringing back the make out sessions).
Then, you can move into what you’d like to focus on in between meetings. You might start more broad (i.e. I want to be more present with you) and then decide on a specific activity that fulfills that intention (i.e. let’s leave our phones at home and go on a walk or out to dinner).
Other examples :
Things have felt heavy lately. I’d love to do something fun and playful with you this week.
I’d love to expand our intimacy and try some Sensate Focus sessions this week²
If it’s a more personal goal, you can also discuss how you can support each other. You might want to focus on your solo pleasure practice, so you ask for alone time. If you’ve been stressed out and want to go to a yoga class, you might ask your partner if they can watch the kids.
In Desire³, they emphasize the importance of stating your positive needs (what you do need) :
“Part of learning how to restate needs involves knowing what our positive needs actually are. This initial identification can be a challenge for folks who have never been encouraged to think about what they want or enjoy sexually, or for those who know what they like and want but have been discouraged (perhaps culturally) from actually expressing these things. When we either (a) don’t know our positive needs or (b) feel bad sharing them, it becomes easy to only communicate negatives—which is what we don’t want. Identifying and communicating what you do want—a positive need—is much more effective. At the end of the day, you’re way more likely to get what you want, need, and like if you’re explicitly able to describe and ask for it. In many cases, recognizing what you don’t like or want can help you identify what it is that you do like or want. Negative needs can inform us of our positive needs, which is then what we want to practice communicating.”
They also give examples around how to reframe negative needs into positive ones:
Negative need: I don’t like when you move straight to touching my [insert body part]. Positive need: I like my [insert body part] to be stimulated after we’ve had some time to warm up with other types of touch.
Negative need: I don’t like the way you give blow jobs. Positive need: I think what would feel good is if we tried [insert positive need] during oral sex.
Negative need: I hate kissing for long periods of time. I completely lose my arousal! Positive need: I like kissing but when it lingers, I can get distracted and lose arousal. Maybe we can try [insert positive need]?
Part of this process is paying attention to what you like and don’t like; what you gravitate towards and withdraw from. Give yourself, and your pleasure, the kind of tending that fosters learning, depth, and growth.
Sex Ed Book Club has been instrumental, for me and so many others, in identifying positive needs and pleasure preferences. This group is so encouraging and the antithesis of pleasure-negative messaging. The release of shame I’ve personally experienced (and witnessed) in the group has made room for a greater breadth of pleasure + an exciting exploration of genuine wants and needs.
I can’t believe we’ve been doing it for almost 2 years (our 2 year anniversary is on January 6th!). The aim of book club has always been to explore the many facets of pleasure, both sexually and non-sexually. This time around, we’re reading Land of Milk and Honey by C Pam Zhang and feeling into the kind of pleasure that comes with the sensuous act of making and eating food. We’ll be meeting to talk about the book (and so much more) on Wednesday, December 20th at 6pm est.
And, if you want, you can cook or bake something and reflect on what felt really good about that experience. Feel free to bring it to our meeting and share!
¹ I like to use both sex + intimacy (a) in case one resonates more and (b) to expand sex beyond the narrow definition of penetration.
² If you’re interested in Sensate Focus, here is a great resource to get you started.
³ Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships by Lauren Fogel Mersy & Jennifer Vencill.