As a yoga teacher of ten+ years, something really clicked for me when I first read about the intersection of mindfulness and pleasure. I can apply what I’ve learned in yoga to my sex life?! This was actually the seed that inspired me to pursue my certification in sex education.
As I simultaneously studied yoga and sex education, I was fervently making connections between the two worlds. The yoga tradition talks a lot about shedding the layers that conceal our true self (you’ve probably heard the whole peeling the onion metaphor). As we practice yoga, we “burn” off the extraneous, unnecessary layers until our original essence is revealed.
In comprehensive sex education, there is an invitation to look at how we’ve been conditioned, what kinds of scripts have put us under their spell, and how we have been indoctrinated into heteropatriarchal thinking. We are asked to notice these heavy layers, examine power dynamics, and ask the transformative question, is this mine or someone else’s?
This shared theme between my two worlds - how do we reclaim our authentic alignment - struck me. That is the big W H Y for my work. But then I realized that some of the tools for optimizing our pleasurable experience were ones I had been teaching all along: presence, mindfulness, ushering the mind back to physical sensations, using breath to help produce harmony between body and mind.
I think this is why I am so attracted to the practice of sensate focus. The practice is a series of touch exercises developed by sex therapists Masters & Johnson. It’s seemingly simple - notice temperature, texture, and pressure as you touch yourself or your partner - but the potential benefits of this practice are profound.
There are no goals in sensate focus. You’re not trying to do anything (relax, feel pleasure, etc.). Relaxation or pleasure might be the result of sensate focus, but it’s not the intention. The intention is to focus on tactile sensations in the moment so that you can spend more time in your body without thoughts taking you away from it.
The practice asks you to touch for your own interest and curiosity (even if you are touching someone else) because the moment you become concerned with the other person’s interest, you leave your own body and experience. This non-demand style of touch allows for open exploration without having to worry about producing a specific result.
Sensate Focus can:
Connect us to the sensory root of sexuality
Tune us into our sensual experience, which allows us to be more present in the moment and grounded in our body
Help us stop controlling the natural process of sexual response, allowing desire and trust to naturally build without forcing them
Relieve a goal-oriented mindset, thereby reducing pressure to achieve something or perform in a certain way
Serve as a positive distraction from worrisome or judgmental thoughts (spectatoring) that can impede connection, desire, and arousal
Give us a chance to take intercourse off the table so we can explore different modes of pleasure. (Heterosexual couples tend to fall more easily under heteronormative scripts that emphasize intercourse. This can lead to getting into the habit of centering intercourse and failing to try new things or explore different connection points with a partner).
Create the kind of context that helps the body feel safe. Creating a sense of safety nourishes our nervous system and reduces anxiety. I’m sure we all know and have experienced how anxiety gets in the way of intimacy and pleasure.
Soften the need to be productive and, instead, center savoring the moment and process
If you’re interested in learning more about the practice, I recommend reading Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy. It’s a little dense because it is geared towards sex therapists, but it is also very thorough. I will be offering a virtual Sensate Focus series in late September!!! Announcing those details soon :)
My biggest takeaways right now from sensate focus are: make time for a daily savoring practice, nourish my nervous system in any way I can, try and release goals and outcomes when it comes to delighting in my precious body or the body of another.
I hope you get some time to savor something today, even if that means running your fingers along your skin and noticing how sensation comes alive.
<3 Sarah