My Top 4 Desire Supports
The 90/10 rule + a GIVEAWAY with fun goodies!!
Yesterday, I read this in our current Sex Ed Book Club pick, Feel It All:
One of my favorite teachers on trauma and neglect, Ruth Cohn, reminds us of the 90/10 rule: when your nervous system is activated, about 90 percent of your reaction has to do with past traumatic experiences. The remaining 10 percent is about what is happening in front of you.
I remember years ago, before I knew about responsive desire and how my desire works in general, my desire would shut down so easily. I’d get frustrated because, the desire for intimacy that built up during the day while my partner and I were apart, would shut down when we both got home and it was actually time to reconnect. Even though I felt safe and comfortable with my partner, even though he was respectful and loving and didn’t put any pressure or expectation on me, that 90% still came flooding in.
The 90% included all of the past relationships and sexual encounters I had that did involve pressure or shame or expectation; it included the lack of information I had about the nuances of desire; it included how broken I felt that my desire didn’t work like it was “supposed” to — in the spontaneous fashion. Even though the 10% in front of me was everything I wanted and needed, the 90% took over and my desire shirked in response.
My desire still ebbs and flows, as it naturally does. I still get activated and have days where there’s less room for desire due to stress, unexpected life things, or just because (we don’t always have to pinpoint a reason). The difference now is, I’ve learned about the different types of desire and what mine tends to prefer. And because of that learning and exploration, I can expand the 10% a little more and shrink the 90% a little more. When I’m feeling activated, I can recognize it, let it be there, but get creative in response. I can take space to reflect on what I need in that moment, and communicate it to my partner if that feels right. I can remember where that 90% is coming from and respond to it with reminders (your desire loves to go slow) and my menu of possibilities (can we just shower together and then cuddle and talk about our days?).
I can expand the 10%, and be more present with what’s in front of me, by remembering I don’t have to go to extremes. I can choose to invite in the contexts that feel good for me in the moment and relish whatever that is. I can understand that it might take time for me to believe that I only have to go as far as I want, and still give myself those loving reminders in the process.
I’ve really been THROUGH it with my desire. We’ve been on a journey, to say the least. From misunderstanding it, to feeling disconnected from it, to judging its fluctuations, to understanding all of the reasons and factors that contribute to those fluctuations, to embracing it as it is and doing what I can do support it rather than force it into a performative, inauthentic place.
Here are the top 4 supports that have helped me arrive at this more grounded, understanding, soft place with my desire:
Education
Learning about the different types of desire (responsive, spontaneous, context-dependent) and, more importantly, learning that they’re all healthy and normal, has been a huge part of my sexual healing. A lot of us didn’t receive any sort of sex education, and so we fill in the gaps with what we see in the media or hear from people in our lives who are also flailing as they try to find their way. Giving ourselves (now) the comprehensive sex education we deserved (back then) is a major part of feeling more at home in our sexuality.
Community
Seeing my experience reflected in other people’s stories, through Sex Ed Book Club and talking to my friends and peers at school, has made me feel less alone. Knowing that other people are going through it feels so comforting and validating. I think community is one of the most potent forms of medicine when it comes to helping people feel less broken, confused, and at odds with the way their desire works.
Space
Taking time to reflect on how my desire tends to move, and what it responds well to, has been huge for me. Rather than rushing into things, I can find a bridge that eases me into intimate experiences. It takes time for me to feel ready to be physical with someone, and my practice has been to savor the moments that exist outside of physicality, feeling how that brings us together in different ways.
This goes for my solo practices as well. Taking a walk after work, decompressing through yoga or a few minutes of breathing, allows me to enter into intimacy with less reactivity and more openness. This goes both ways, and we all deserve partners/lovers that allow us this time and space; partners/lovers who respect and understand the rhythm and pace of our desire, even if it’s different from theirs.
Possibility
Desire comes from the Latin de sidere (from the stars). In this way, desire represents breadth and possibility, yet our culture has shrunk it down to be a less adaptable and expansive experience. Remembering that desire is full of potential, and that I can nurture it in so many different ways, has allowed me to take a big exhale and relax into it all.
We’re going to cover these top 4 in my upcoming workshop, Depth of Desire, happening online September 17th from 7-8:30pm EST. More details to come next week, but for now, you can join the waitlist. And, guess what? I’m doing a giveaway for it 😏 read below...
GIVEAWAY TIME
I’m doing a giveaway for my upcoming Depth of Desire workshop on Sept. 17th. Join the waitlist for my workshop and you’ll be automatically entered to win this bundle of goodies: Pure + Planted CBD massage candle, Where Should We Begin game by Esther Perel, and Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships 🛍️
In honor of expanding our intimate/sexual menus, I wanted to include items that satiated the sensual, physical, emotional, and mental aspects of our desire and sexuality. This bundle will help you feel more connected to yourself, your friends, and/or partners through intimate prompts and questions, sensual massage, and in-depth education around all things desire.
Winner will be picked and notified through email on 08/29 at 11am EST. Click here to join the waitlist and enter the giveaway! If that doesn’t work, you can also just reply to this email telling me you want to be added :)
NEXT SEX ED BOOK CLUB MEETING
Register here for our online meeting Wednesday 09/11 from 7-8:15pm EST. We'll focus on the first two sections of Feel It All by Casey Tanner: Your Insecure Sexuality and Mine + The Origins of Insecure Sexuality.
We'll also take time to reflect on/discuss one of Casey's aftercare questions from that section: "Given that typical definitions of 'sexual health' have been highly exclusionary, is there a way of thinking about sexual health that resonates for you?"
Sex Ed Book Club is donation-based. If you'd like to contribute to the work that goes into organizing and preparing book club, you can send a donation to Sarah's Venmo (@sarahdiedrick). Book club welcomes & celebrates our LQBTQIA+ community. At this time, it is not open to cisgender men.