I'm Caught up in NRE. Help!
Q&A time / New relationship energy woes
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Okay, here’s the question: I’m stuck on this person who isn’t good for me, but at the same time, it feels so good to have a crush! How do I get out of this cycle? I know I need to pull away but I keep getting drawn back in by all those exciting feelings.
First of all, i. feel. you. Been there. I know what it’s like to be pulled to and fro by contradictory feelings.
Your question makes me think of both limerence and NRE (new relationship energy). Both refer to being intensely infatuated with someone, in a way that can put your mind in a frenzy and co-opt your thoughts.
Limerence is an involuntary state of intense romantic infatuation with another person, characterised by intrusive thoughts, fantasies, and emotional dependence.
New relationship energy (or “NRE”) is a term to describe ‘the surge of emotional and sexual feelings that result from forming a new relationship.’
The difference between the two is that limerence is often associated with obsession and can skirt into toxic territory. It can be associated with unrequited attraction, lack of commitment, doubt, and uncertainty. Limerence tends to have more negative connotations, however, I would argue that both limerence and NRE can have their pitfalls. I would also argue that both can happen in any type of relationship — partner, crush, situationship, etc.
I’m going to be addressing both at once, but for the sake of not writing them both out each time, I’m going to refer to it as NRE for the rest of the letter. NRE doesn’t necessarily mean you need to exit a relationship but since you mentioned that this person isn’t good for you, I’m going to specifically address the kind of NRE that masks an unbefitting relationship.
New relationship energy can be EXTREMELY exciting and giddy and butterfly-y but it can also be all-consuming. And when we’re in the throes of new relationship energy with someone who ultimately isn’t good for us — or our feelings aren’t reciprocated — it can be downright torturous.
New relationship energy is sometimes referred to as the honeymoon phase — that time when a cocktail of chemicals is sloshing around in our brains and we become lovestruck, or lust-sick. That’s the tricky thing about this mega release of hormones — we get punch-drunk, so our judgment clouds and we can’t clearly see the incompatibilities at play.
We might: experience heightened emotions and excitement; start imagining an entire life with this person; plan trips in our head; daydream about epic life experiences we’ll share; fantasize about mind-blowing sex we’ll have; check our messages five million times a day to see if they texted us. If we don’t know much about the person, we might fill in the gaps and create a person in our head that doesn’t actually meet our standards in real life.
Reminder: you’re not crazy. Been there. Done that. So many people have had this experience. Our brains are brilliant and tricky and slippery things.
You asked about how to get out of the cycle. I think we first have to explore what that cycle actually is. So, back to dopamine!
Dopamine is our reward system; we get a hit when we experience something pleasurable — like getting a cheeky text from our crush or catching their flirtatious gaze.
If we end up in a healthy, loving relationship with that person, there is some sort of resolution and eventually the NRE fades. We realize it’s love rather than limerence.
But what happens when it remains a crush or the other person is unavailable in some way? In that case, we might get trapped in what’s called a ludic loop, best known in the gambling world, though we can aptly apply it here.
With a ludic loop, there isn’t necessarily any development or closure, and therefore, you’re suspended in a zone of possibility. You might think and imagine an end point (i.e. ending up with that person) but in reality there is no end point because they’re bread-crumbing you, because one of you is unavailable, because they can’t meet your needs, because you’re in some way incompatible. This lack of resolution can keep you pining for the other person aka seeking out a reward.
Social media is the master of ludic looping — its aim is to make you insatiable so you keep scrolling and ingesting more content; so you keep seeking that dose of dopamine.
From Psychology Today:
According to researcher Kent Berridge, there are two systems, the "wanting" and the "liking" and these two systems are complementary. Dopamine is part of the wanting system. It propels you to take action. The liking system makes you feel satisfied and therefore pause your seeking. But the dopamine wanting system is stronger than the liking system. You tend to seek more than you are satisfied. You can get into a dopamine loop. If your seeking isn't turned off at least for a little while, then you start to run in an endless loop.
When you bring up the feed on one of your favorite apps the dopamine loop has become engaged. With every photo you scroll through, headline you read, or link you go to you are feeding the loop which just makes you want more. It takes a lot to reach satiation, and in fact you might never be satisfied. Chances are what makes you stop is that someone interrupts you. It turns out the dopamine system doesn't have satiety built in.
Which explains that cycle — the wanting is stronger than the lack of satisfaction you’re ultimately feeling with this person. The short term seeking is a stronger pull than the long-term let downs. See, it’s science at play!!
So, now that we know all of the super fun things exploding in our brains, how do we manage it? Let’s move onto the how do I get out of this cycle? part of your question.
ATTEND TO IMPACTS
Notice how this state of being is affecting you. Has it disrupted your sense of self? How has it impacted your daily life? Even though it might feel good to interact with this crush, does it also leave you feeling stressed, doubtful, or confused? Be kind and gentle with yourself as you tend to these impacts. It’s okay that you’ve gotten caught up (don’t we all) and being hard on yourself isn’t going to help the situation.
BOUNDARIES
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I can’t say it enough. Though it might suck, and be the last thing you want to do, it’s important to set boundaries with this person and situation. You might need to distance yourself from your crush, disclose how you’re feeling and what you need to do about it, decide that you only spend time with them in certain settings, contexts, or with certain people. These are just some suggestions and ultimately you have to set boundaries that suit your needs.
You might also try cutting out certain things associated with this person, like: fantasies about them, music they’ve sent you or music that reminds you of them, shows, etc.
A reminder about setting boundaries: you do not need to explain or justify your boundaries if you don’t want to. Speak from your perspective (“I need to…) and know that setting these boundaries will ultimately lead to more freedom. If you need some extra support around this, feel free to set up a call with me <3
RECLAIM YOUR AUTONOMY
Limerence, in particular, can stem from attachment issues and trauma. You’re not alone in that, that’s for sure. But it’s important to reclaim your autonomy since, often, NRE or limerence can cause enmeshment, where boundaries between people are too blurred.
How can you transfer those exciting, giddy feelings over to things/activities/people that truly fill you up and leave you feeling affirmed and confident in who you are? One of my friends told me that when she spends time with people she asks herself “am I a fountain or drain?” meaning, do those people enhance her energy or drain it?
COME BACK TO THE BODY
NRE often has us living in our heads, our thoughts whisked away to a thousand different hypothetical scenarios. When you notice your mind getting caught up in anticipation, confusion, or questioning, take a long inhale and a longer exhale. You can try placing your hands on your body for more feedback and grounding. Feel the movement of your body under your hands as you breathe. Tune in to your bodily sensations and what they might be trying to tell you.
CALL ON YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEMS
Share these experiences with your therapist and/or trusted community. Having that accountability and reflection can help us stay on our path of maintaining boundaries, distance, and whatever else we need.
PROS OF CREATING SPACE (From Alyssa Harper):
• You start to become your true self because you stop trying to act and look like someone that THEY would like.
• You have so much more time for friends, family, work, and other priorities in your brain.
• Your mood stabilizes and doesn't change based on how things are going with this person (who should not hold that kind of power over you)!
• You create space for the right person to come into your life (if that's what you're looking for).
Thank you for asking this question, because you’re looking out for yourself, but you’re also supporting anyone else who is reading and resonating with this right now. I hope these suggestions and thoughts help and please feel free to share any thoughts/questions/etc. in the comments!
Can’t wait to tackle your next juicy question. Until next time! ♡
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