Do You Actually Want the Sex You're Having?
The Sexual Staircase + Desire Discrepancy
Here’s a possible answer to why you and your partner are experiencing a desire discrepancy and/or your desire is low: you don’t enjoy the sex you’re having, or you don’t enjoy it enough to feel a desire for it.
There are many reasons why someone might be motivated to have sex: to reduce stress, to feel more connected to a partner, to be playful and fun, to shift one’s mood, to feel attractive or desired, to feel good. A common motivator is that sex feels physically good, whether that’s general pleasure during intimacy and/or orgasm.
“The bottom line is that if sexual activity—especially with a partner—is not motivating to us in some way, or if we are not consistently getting something positive out of the experience, sexual desire can be difficult to experience.” — Desire
Emily Nagoski reinforces this idea with her famous mantra, pleasure is the measure.
Let’s shift to the sexual staircase and then we’ll loop it back into all of this. I’ve talked about it before in previous posts, but the sexual staircase presents sex as a hierarchy. A lot of the sexual messaging we grew up on reinforces this hierarchy:
Because penetrative sex and orgasm are at the top, this model implies that penetration is what we’re supposed to work up to, and that it should be the thing that brings us to orgasm. It also implies that foreplay activities (touching, kissing, caressing, genital touch, oral sex) are stepping stones that ultimately get us to penetrative sex.
This is problematic for many reasons — it’s heteronormative, penis-centric, and goal-oriented. This model might truly work for some people. You might like this progression. But what if you don’t particularly enjoy penetrative sex? What if you tolerate it, or do it because you know your partner enjoys it? It’s fine to do it because your partner enjoys it, as long as that’s an okay motivator for you and it’s not causing you pain. But what if you’re doing that AND not getting your own pleasure needs met?
Putting penetrative sex at the top can automatically devalue all of the other sexual activities that are needed to foster desire and build arousal. Take it from a girlie who doesn’t orgasm from penetration alone: I am not glazing over making out, touching, and direct clitoral stimulation. They’re the very things that bring me pleasure and keep me wanting to come back to sex. Another thing that supports my desire? Knowing that I can connect with my partner in many different ways; knowing that we’re present with however we’re connecting; knowing that we’re not just going through the motions to get to penetration.
I would encourage you to reflect on if and how your sex life mimics this sexual staircase, and more importantly, if you’re satisfied or not with that. Many heterosexual couples in long-term relationships can get into a habitual pattern of going up this staircase each time. The model works, in a sense, because they’re working with a penis and a vagina so PIV sex is a logical equation. But because it “works” doesn’t actually mean it works, or works each time. Being able to easily default to this model can make it harder to question it or break free from it.
This is where we can get stuck — when we keep defaulting to it despite our lack of satisfaction or pleasure. If you feel like you’re stuck in this cycle, you’re not alone and it makes TOTAL sense. There’s so much at play, potentially: not wanting to hurt our partner’s feelings, unsure how to start the conversation, needing more time to explore what we do like and want, being told over and over that this model is the gold standard.
We need to adopt a more circular model that values all types of sexual activities and connection. We need to be finding ways to step off the staircase, try new things, spend more time in different areas, take pressure off orgasm, drop expectation, and even take penetrative sex off the table sometimes:
If your sex life isn’t feeling all that expansive or pleasurable, why would your desire be strong? If your sex life is full of expectation or pressure or habituality, why would you be chomping at the bit for more?
If you’re wanting to talk to your partner about all of this and prioritize the activities that bring both of you pleasure, you might want to read this Instagram post I wrote around communicating desires, preferences, and curiosities:
Other ways to explore, honor, and own your desire and pleasure? Reach out to me about my Personal Sex Educator program, a monthly membership that gives you full access to me through voice notes and text messaging. It’s $150 a month and you can ask me anything related to sexuality. I’ll give you a pep talk before a date, share resources and tips, help you figure out where certain beliefs/ideas are stemming from, offer embodied practices, and most importantly, give you space to talk through things so you can feel into what’s best for you. Email me (sarah@sarahdiedrick.com) if you’re interested.
You can also join my upcoming Depth of Desire Workshop in September. Join the waitlist and you’ll receive some special content and be the first to know about pricing, registration, and other important details!
Thank you so much for being here. This space is really special to me because I get to share and educate more candidly with you. Until next time ♡︎ Sarah