When we move into the long-term phase of a relationship, intimacy can wane and require more effort to maintain. This is normal as we transition out of that thrilling new relationship energy phase, fall into habitual routines, and navigate adulting matters together. Our hot new lover eventually becomes our partner, our friend, our roommate, a fellow caretaker, and more. We get carried into a familiar rhythm with them. This type of comfort feels like a gift but can also get in the way of affection and intimacy.
Periods without physical affection can come with a charge, a pressure that builds over time. When our partner makes any physical advance, we might tense up because we assume their touch or kiss is laced with the desire for more.
This kind of response is what sex therapist Vanessa Marin calls the bristle reaction — when any physical gesture from your partner makes you recoil or flinch, even if it’s a simple, nonsexual touch.
This defense mechanism can be rooted in a lot of things — historically not feeling satisfied with your sex life (why would you want to do something that doesn’t feel good?), lack of communication, defaulting to penetration every time you have sex, and more. There’s also that pesky sexual staircase that tries to tells us that foreplay is just a prelude to penetration.
“[…] eventually any touching is interpreted as a prelude to sex. The touch can feel “loaded,” because an expectation is attached to it, said Marin.” - Jancee Dunn
I think one of the best things we can do for our sex life is take penetration off the pedestal. This can help us 1. diversify our pleasure and 2. remember that other forms of sex and intimacy are just as valuable.
In her tips for folks with responsive desire, Emily Nagoski highlights an intimacy-building exercise recommended by John and Julie Gottman — to kiss for six seconds.
Six seconds is too long to kiss someone you resent or dislike. It’s far too long to kiss someone with whom you feel unsafe! Kissing for six seconds requires that you stop and deliberately notice that you like this person, that you trust them, and that you feel affection for them.
(If you don’t like or trust your partner, then responsive desire is not really the difficulty you’re dealing with in your sex life.) — Emily Nagoski
You don’t have to set a timer or anything. For me, it’s not about kissing for exactly six seconds, but about giving more than a peck on the lips. For me, it’s about getting into that more sensual phase of kissing. This exercise comes with the caveat that kissing is not a preamble to sex; it’s a reminder that affection feels good and that intimacy is vast enough to include many different types of pleasure.
Inspired by this advice, my partner and I have started a daily make out ritual. It doesn’t happen every single day, but it happens most days. It’s been a sweet practice for us because rather than an all-or-nothing approach, it allows us to wade in the waters of affection without getting completely overwhelmed with expectation.
Like any practice, consistency breeds a kind of yearning. The more I practice yoga, the more I think about it and want to do it. I’ve found this applies to the daily make out practice too. My desire for intimacy with my partner has increased and being present with each other in this way has made me more excited to explore other forms of pleasure and play.
It’s also just a reminder of how much I love making out!! It hearkens back to my high school days, before I had PIV sex, and making out was my bread and butter. It feels playful and sensual, full of that titillating kind of anticipation. As I wrote in my zine Over the Pants (which is available for purchase), “pre-penetration days were full of long, drawn-out, horny teenager activities. Foreplay was at the forefront.”
Let me know what you think, and if you try it, write to me and let me know how it goes :)
NEXT BOOK CLUB MEETING : this Wednesday the 20th at 6pm est on Zoom.
Register for our next sex ed book club meeting here. It’s free! It’s full of really special people! It’s a celebration of pleasure! This time around we’re discussing Land of Milk and Honey by C Pam Zhang. One of my favorite themes in this book is rediscovering pleasure through food. We’ll be talking about that, sensuality, and so much more. Hope to see you there!